It's OK If I'm Sad

I know my grief lasts longer then you like. This morning I woke up, the sun was shining, the excitement was setting in about graduation, and I had slept mostly through the night on shift, which is always something that puts a smile on my face when my alarm rings. I was however reminded very early, in the morning sleepy haze, that today has been two years since one of my oldest and best friends Alisha, went to be with Jesus.

I knew it was coming, because facebook has been showing me my "memories" every morning of the updates I was sharing, begging for prayers and thoughts as my friend struggled on a ventilator. If anyone was going to pull through it and defeat the odds, it would have been her. But alas, this morning, two years ago today I read a facebook post, in black and white, that she was gone. From this world.

I still talk about it, and write about it, and blog about it because well... it still hurts. The same as that morning, when she crosses my mind and I have to remind myself she is gone, the pit in my stomach is still there. The lump in my throat still chokes me up, certain songs still make me cry hard enough I have to pull my car over, and sometimes a picture can make me feel like curling in a fetal position.

Most of my close friends let me do it. I'll never forget at the George Strait concert, when Martina McBride started to sing "I'm going to love you through it". I don't even think she got past the first three cords before I instantly started bawling. Kari didn't even have to look at me, she just threw her arms around me, holding me so tight, it was like she was trying to hold my pieces together. She didn't have to say a word. She knew she had to let me feel everything I was feeling, and I knew she was there, ready and willing to glue me back together when I couldn't do it myself. There are few who are walking with me through my confusion, anger, and hurt. Family and close friends that let me feel what I need to, when I feel it, without trying to fix it or me.

On the other hand, I know my grief makes most of you uncomfortable. You who aren't in the trenches with me. I understand that you're just trying to fix my situation, it is natural. You don't like that I am hurting or sad. I feel like after the initial showing of support, when your lives go back to normal, you assume mine will too. Here is a clue... mine did not. Saying things like "She's in a better place", "You will see him again", "She doesn't hurt anymore". These things aren't helpful, and actually they are kind of hurtful. It feels like you are invalidating my feelings. Like I'm crazy for allowing it to still hurt. Something I've learned in my life thus far is all feelings involved in grieving are valid. Every. Single. Emotion. They count, no matter if they come the day after or 20 years down the road of a loved one leaving this earth. They count. There is no time stamp of grief. Loss will forever change you, and things can never go back to how they used to be. They just can't. And we just have to find a new normal. Where sometimes I cry for reasons unknown to you. And sometimes I need a quiet moment, by myself to pull myself back together. And that means, sometimes, you will just have to be uncomfortable.

   

Sometimes Numbers Hurt

14... It's just a number, but it always sends a knife into my stomach. Both in March and May, the 14th are days that I was forever changed. Days that sent my world on edge. Time stood still for me and those I love, but the sun still shone, and others still went about their every day. I want to scream sometimes, "Don't you know what TODAY is? Don't you know what is lost?" I have other numbers with the same meaning. I try to remind myself that they are only numbers. That this day is only a moment in the time that really mattered. The time I got to love them, and the time that they made a difference on this earth. I promised to celebrate their life, not hold on to their death. Still, today stops me in my tracks. I'm frozen. I'm hurting. I want to erase time and go back and change so much. To just be around them more. To make more memories. To take more pictures. To soak up every memory, to memorize their voice, to treasure their bear-hugs.

Numbers have changed me. I am not the same person as I was driving to school that morning a year ago. I am a little more sad. A little stronger. A little more broken. I now have no patience for intolerance. I can't be around negativity. I want to shake the people that don't appreciate what they have and tell them to do just what I didn't do. Memorize their eyes, and their voice, and their laugh. Cherish their hugs, and their shenanigans, and even the arguments. Because one day they might get ripped from you, and you'll realize how lost you are in a world without them.

I am lost in a world without them. They are bigger then their number. So much bigger. But today that number is a reminder of what we won't have. That we walk around in the world with a broken heart that still beats. That we aren't ready to say goodbye. And its OK, because we live in this beautifully broken, tragic world, that sometimes just sucks. I can't wait for the day when God HIMSELF will wipe every tear from our eyes. It will be a beautiful day. But until that day, I'll carry them with me.

The hardest words ever written

I'm not sure how to write this, it doesn't feel real. Kind of like how I asked my sister to repeat herself 3 times before I calmly asked, "are you telling me, he's dead?" I lost it. I broke. Shaking and unable to stand, I fell where I was, to my knees, sobbing. I told God after the last time, I couldn't go through this again. But this loss, I don't know how to survive. I will never be the same person. My amazing, talented, handsome, nephew who is so full of love and life. He can't be gone.

Somehow, he is gone. And we are left here to pick up our broken pieces. But as I try to put the pieces back together I realize, there is a piece missing. One that he took with him to heaven. So hold on to that piece my dear, sweet Aaron. I will need it back when I see you again.

Hope. Inspire. Dream.

Hope. Inspire. Dream.

These last two weeks have been some of the hardest of my life so far. At Alisha's memorial someone put it perfectly when they said a big Alisha shaped hole is in our hearts. I hold tight to the memories that I have of girl scouts, school, marching band, sleepovers, girls weekends, getting into mischief. Alisha was full of life, and loved to live it. She didn't hold back. She was constantly pointing people towards Christ, through her joy, testimony, and peace. She inspired people to follow their dreams. And she pushed people to be more then they even knew they could be. I hope that I can give back to those in my life like she gave to me.

I hold tight to the fact that I know exactly where she will spend her eternity, praising Jesus, and I know I will see her again. What I'm sad for, why it hurts so bad, is for the memories we had planned on making like climbing half dome, Yosemite weekends, running my first marathon, Disneyland trips. So I will do those things, find God in the beauty of living life to the fullest, and in the quiet moments.

My challenge for you is that you decide each day to make life better for others. That you make your time count here on earth and that you hold tight to the promises of Christ because He is the one that is worth living life for. He will carry you through the hurt, and give you joy and peace that surpasses all understanding. He has given us each other to carry each other through this time of hurting, confusion, and pain.

I have decided to keep living life to the fullest because that is honoring to my friend. We had talked about training for a marathon this year and she wanted it to benifit something great. I can't think of a more worthy cause in her honor but to raise money for the Lukemia Lymphoma Society to raise money for a cure. So one day no one has to loose their close friends anymore. I have to raise $2,900 for the race. So if you are able please consider donating to my page.

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/nikesf13/heatherthurston

I am selling silicone bracelets with the motto "Hope. Inspire. Dream." to raise money for my TNT fundraising and Alisha's memorial fund! $10 each and the funds will be split 50/50 between the two. They will be purple for her cancer she battled (Hodgkins Lymphoma). Email me at heather.thurston@gmail.com with your order. You can donate directly to her memorial page here. Her mother is the direct recipient of the funds.

https://sites.google.com/site/alishasmemorialfund/

I will miss you everyday girlie! Until we see each other again...

Rejoice

Try typing in that in your search bar of your kindle bible and seeing how many bible verses it comes up with when your trying to find a certain verse... lol... FINALLY!

Psalm 118:24 This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it :)

As I lay in that MRI today pretending I was in an episode of Fringe (please let Joshua Jackson pull me out of that machine instead of the grumpy nurse who put me in here, I will run away with you any day ;) ) I realize how oh so very tired I am of all of this. For the past three months I have been dealing with this pain. Pain in my chest and shoulder that seems to have come out of nowhere, no explanation. My doctors run tests, and most have come back normal except a labral tear that has shown up on a MRI about a month ago. Problem is they did it without contrast so my orthopedic doctor is not convinced there is a tear there. So he has ordered this new MRI and hoping to start some physical therapy in the mean time. For part of the test they had to inject dye into my shoulder joint. I had to lay on my effected shoulder on the examining table to "open up" the joint. After just a few minutes on my shoulder I was shaking and crying from the pain. It was almost unbearable. I even lost a contact... Thus further ingraining my thought that radiology people are the meanest in medicine :)

As I drove away from the imaging center today this verse popped into my head. I probably don't have to say it but I was pretty down. I was ready to curl up in my bed and sleep the rest of my day away. Erase away my memories from today. I wish I was one of those people who has a constantly positive outlook on life. That can see the good in everything and put on a brave face when everything around me if falling apart. I'm not that girl. I'm the girl that wears her heart on her sleeve. If I'm sad, I'll tell you. If I'm mad, you'll know it. Happy, scared all of it I'll put it out there for you.

I'm trying. I'm trying to be positive in these last few months but it has been super hard. I have not seen very many results from doctors. I've been passed around without many answers and no relieve from pain that is constant. I can't give answers to people who mean well when they ask me how I'm doing. I don't know how to answer. I don't want people to worry over me, I'm not that girl, it makes me uncomfortable. But what I think God has been teaching me through all of this is how to let go. None of this is in my hands. Letting go is a hard thing to do, its admitting we don't have the ability to control our destiny. "One day at a time" has been my motto. I give you my day LORD, one day at a time. This is your day LORD that you have made, let us rejoice and be glad in it :)

If God Was One Of Us

Let me first start out by saying that I am not talking about a vague god here, not some being out there that just has us as some pawns in his large game of chess... I'm talking about the one true God. The personal God that I have come to know and love throughout my life through His son Jesus Christ. The God that loves us as his own children the way a father is supposed to love his kids. With all that said we live in a beautiful broken world. Yesterday I was admiring the how spring has taken over our countryside. It is absolutely gorgeous outside. But we don't always treat each other beautifully. I think God has something to say to us about that.

If God was here among us today, standing physically among us and speaking audibly to us (I do believe we have this through the holy spirit) but what would he say. Like if Christ was here present day what would be his message? How would he talk to us. Would I be a Pharisee, would I be one of the people just reaching out trying to grab a piece of His cloak? Honestly in our society of convenience and comfort I don't know what He would ask of us. How uncomfortable He would ask us to get. I'm guessing it would be a lot more uncomfortable then we are.

This last weekend I spent at the Vintage Community Women's retreat and something Beth Moore talked about was getting perspective on other peoples plights. So when you feel ill towards them, for instance the dirty homeless man begging for your hard earned money for beer, or that person in your life that has wronged you so badly that you will never forgive them, when you have perspective into their lives you can have compassion. I mean when a man steps on your foot you can be upset until you realize he is blind right? Perspective

So here is some perspective I've been thinking about lately... Christians stop fighting amongst yourselves, Baptists, Lutheran, Methodist, etc. it doesn't matter if you raise your hands, dance, kneel, bow your head, or stand on your head. He wants your all, your best, your worst, your strengths and most of all, your weaknesses, cause it is in your weaknesses that His power is made perfect... (says so in the bible). Other then loving each other better, we better start loving others better. How can we tell whole groups of people that God hates them?? God doesn't hate ANYONE. There is nothing you can do to make him hate you. Not even if you hate Him. For instance, the AIDS and HIV community is hurting, sick and dying. Lets not keep the most basic of human needs from them, love and acceptance of just being a human being. Same with the homeless community. I know most are worried money will be used for alcohol or drugs but is that really where our heart should be? My worry is that we are not seeing these people as just that. People. I am not writing this stuff from a pedestal. I am writing this from the bottom of the pile. I am the worst offender. I am so comfortable coming home to my two fur kiddos, to my comfy bed, about to start another fire season with a decent income and know I will soon be able to eat and live comfortably. It is a learning process. God does not want to leave us where we are, He wants to grow and stretch us for our own good and it will be GOOD :)

Cha cha cha changes...

I'm not really sure how to start this one or where to go with it. Honestly my mind has been pretty scattered since everything started with Kona a few weeks ago. I've spent the last week in bed sick, with really bad allergies, which I assumed turned into a chest cold. For whatever reason it kicked my butt and zapped ever ounce of energy I have had in my body for the last 8 days. It came at a really horrible time, I have just restarted p90x and got my first week under my belt and then I couldn't do any this week. My asthma was really bad and I just had to listen to my body and rest. It's hard when your mind and your body don't match. You would think after these last 6 months battling with this food allergy crap I would be used to it but it just doesn't get easier. I want to be centered, I want what my head is telling me to match what my body can do. I doing know why my body makes it all so hard. I have a really hard time giving myself grace when it comes to exercise and not doing it. Honestly I'm just SOOOO sick and tired of being SICK and TIRED.

Last month I went to a nutrition class where they showed a movie called Forks over Knives. Its a movie that basically talks about how our diet can relieve alot of our chronic sicknesses in America rather than just going to the doc for meds. I mean think about it, when you get a sore throat do you A. Gargle with salt water like grandma used to tell you to do, or B. Go to your doc for some form of antibiotic? My guess is most of us do B... We are a society of convenience and frankly, being sick, is not convenient. The movie is based on a couple studies but mostly on something called "The China Study". Where they put the western diet against an asian diet. The western diet was filled with diabetes, cancer (all kinds), heart disease, etc. The asian diet (a plant based, whole foods diet) had basically no traces... The statistics were very startling. I've done more research basically trying to find some reason NOT to change cause face it... its going to be hard and very unpopular (especially at work this summer). But like I said I'm sick, I need to get well. And if this will help then I'm all for it! So I have decided, to try, if not completely but hopefully close to 80% vegan (known as flexitarianism). I already do not do dairy because of my food allergies, but going vegetarian will be a huge change, especially at the station. It will be a challenge but hopefully it makes me feel better. We will see. I'll keep everyone updated :)

I'm praying tomorrow to restart p90x after a week off. So hopefully my lungs will allow it. I'm ready to get ready for fire season and feel healthy again! I'm over being sick! It's time for that to change!